Loving a Sadist: Is it possible?

Sooo... you've found your perfect play partner, someone who was telling you he is enjoying inflicting pain, a Sadist. And each time you're having a scene with him you feel more and more attached to him, yet your conscious mind keep playing repeat questions inside your brain:

'How the hell am I falling for someone who caused me bruises and welts all over my back and  butt (and other places too) and still dreaming to live happily ever after with him? Shouldn't I choose the gentle one instead?'

Well, the good news is, you are not alone. Here are what the experts said:

1. Since the old days, the good girl inside us always attracted to the badass - big bad wolf type, because they are hot, confident, adventurous with sense of danger comes with it. A Sadist is the 'badass' in BDSM community, true?

2. If your Sadist is a Dominant, just double the effects with some dose of authoritative, demanding, powerful, protective, in control qualities.

3. A Sadist is a polite person, a gentleman in the crowd. It's easy to get comfortable with them.

4. A Sadist can be the quiet one, or less talkative compare to others, which will make him looks mysterious. And ladies are drawn to mysterious man, like moths to light.

5. Most Sadist are passionate play partner and lover. The intensity and risks during a scene require him to be a skilled pleasure before pain seducer, an attentive play partner who is constantly checking up on you, and a generous aftercare giver.

Sound familiar?

Ok, now we go to the next question:

Is a Sadist capable of having a love relationship out of the scene?

The answer is: YES!

No matter how badass a Sadist is, he is still a human. He has feelings like you and me and the rest of human beings on earth. Love is included.

And when I wrote this topic, I interviewed dozens of Sadist from different community and continent from age 30 to 50 years old. Couple of them are having over 10+ years happy relationship with the same partner/spouse.

The interview also revealed that some Dominant Sadist are the most territorial Dominant you'll find. The fact that SM are quite a rare species, when it comes to mutual love, the possibility is even slimer. Combines it with the strong protectiveness plus compassionate personalities, the result is lethal.

Speaking of relationship type, some Dominant Sadist prefer D/s relationship - where the power exchange applies in the bedroom only. Yet there are others who prefer 24/7 Master/slave relationship as well though it goes with much more mature Dominant.

Before I sign out, I'd like to share some advice to my fellow protege and new submissive who are pursuing a Sadist as your lover:

It is not wise to agree or accept or sign anything he proposes right away, no matter how charming and seductive it sound. Take your time to check and learn every fancy word he said until you fully understand. Internet can be a good source of information if local community is not an available option. It can also provide guidance on questions you should ask him, things to negotiate with him, to learn type plays and the risks, your limits, etc. By typing "submissive' or 'dominant' on search engine, you'll find some good websites/blogs to begin with.

If he insisted you to follow his rules fully, allowing no room for negotiation, LEAVE him right away. His is not worth your time, your love, your submission.

The most important is, Trust Your Guts or the little voice inside your head. When it says something is wrong, leave immediately. Say your safeword. Run. You can always review later.

My best wishes that you have a happy and wonderful journey in pursuing your heart, your love. Say safe and fun, always.

xoxo - your fun lover!

Go PRIMAL!

Want to try something fun, playful, high with adrenaline rush yet intimate? Try PRIMAL play.

By its name, Primal play is about unleashing your inner animalistic instincts into scene play. So bye-bye civilization and welcome silly, messy, raw, rough play, where the players can leave the strict label, role, and protocol behind and embrace the essence being a predator or prey.

Primal play is part of resistance play category, where the submissive/prey is resisting the dominant/predator. The resistance play category includes:

- Rape fantasy

- Interrogation play

- Abduction play

Label

Forget about being a Master/Mistress/Dom/Domme/slave/submissive. There are only two labels in Primal play: Predator and prey.

Roles

Predator is the one who attempts to capture the prey.

Prey is the one who is being captured by the predator.

Protocol

There is no easy prey.  So predator must EARN their title by pursuing, taking down his/her prey using physical strength, fear control, tactics, or power of seduction.

And the prey are welcome to run away and fight back the predator.

Play tools

Let's back to basic, we can use teeth, nails, hair, skin, tongue, hands, feet, mouth, nose instead of factory made play tools. Player can do running, jumping, wrestling, pulling hair, scratching, nipping, biting, sniffing, licking, tickling, growling, clawing, and snarling to each other during the play. 

Dress up for the play is encouraged too. Player can wear animal printed materials or headpiece/mask. Just let your imagination free.

RACK

Primal play with all resistance plays are under RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink or Risk Accepted Consensual Kink. Meaning, all parties involve should understand, accept the risks that might occur during the scene. And, like always, the play is consensual.

First hand experience
I once watched others playing Primal play indoor in a play party. After some reading and asking around, me and my Dom agreed to have my first Primal play weeks later in group indoor theme play. 

As first timer I found  it fun because as a prey I was excited with the running - hiding - chasing down - fighting back scenario. The anticipation of being captured in the end amazingly increased the intensity of the play and pumped my andrenaline to maximum level. Plus  some of lol yet intimate moments with my Dom  and couple of marks in return to my favors to him, I definately vote this play as 'Highly Recommended' for our future play list.  

Since then we had couple more Primal play scenes, mostly outdoor, during snowless winter, hot summer through fall. I can say that outdoor scene is much more fun with more area to explore.

Some points to consider before playing Primal play:

* Learn as much as you can about Primal play before entering the scene.  This will give you idea what to expect, to avoid, and to negotiate later.

* Playing with your regular play partner or your Dom/sub is highly recommanded.

* Some Dominant - Sadist admitted that Primal play requires additional amount of self control than normal scene where the play partner is being restrained, because the resistance from the prey would trigger impulsive  reactions. So precaution is required guys.
                       
* Negotiate the limits in details. Example:
>>> what actions are hard limits: biting,  scratching, tickling, pulling hair, etc.
>>> what area of the body are off limits: face, wrist, arms, belly...? 
>>> what type of marks/bruises are off limits: biting marks, light bruises, one week's bruises?
>>> what sort of  derogatory words or sentences to avoid. For some 'pet', 'kitten' or 'kitty' words are not acceptable no matter how cute they sound. 

* Establish your safe word clearly. Additional safe word for 'Pause' can be useful especially for outdoor play. I use 'White' as 'Pause' when a carefree bird incidently dropped its treasure right on top of my head, that I need to take a break to wash it clean before continuing the play. Or when a graceful yet determinded swan decided to abandon his flock and include himself into chasing game with me, that I had to run back to my Dom Predator for rescue.

* Primal play is NOT necessarily rough. It can be intimate and seductive. Or tricky, with traps.

*  Please inform your Dungeon Monitor well before starting your Primal Play. The DM is there to ensure no one is getting hurt beyond what is agreed. So let's lend him/her a helping hand as much as we could.

* Aftercare package including drinking water and energy refill snack are highly required. Also standard first aid kit.

* One last thing, should you have allergy reactions to outdoor elements such as: pollen, bees, outdoor insects, or others, please inform your play partner well and prepare for precaution like bringing along the necessary antihistamine. Or just play indoor.

Once all set, I wish you an adventurous fun loving play ahead mate!

xoxo - your fun lovers!

A secret life of a Switch

When I first set foot into playroom & dungeon lifestyle, I found myself very confused and very frustrated.

Deep down I always knew how I long being tied up, spanked, flogged, dominated – which any nice guy would instantly questions my sanity if I ever ask them to do those things to me.  But when I started to learn being a submissive, I started to question my decision over and over again. Apparently by submissive standard, I didn’t fit the boxes. My trainer then released me from my training with remarks: not a submissive material, uncommitted, and too bratty. Huff!

Just to make things worse, when I met strong submissive personality, I couldn't help the urge to protect, to dominate. Somehow this type of personality triggered my territorial nature to eliminate any thread that would harm them, and pull them close under my wings, to provide what they need, to nurture them.

These mix feelings were so confusing and frustrating as they were constantly pulling me into different directions: submissive and dominant, bottom and top, masochist and sadist, prey and hunter. I am not talking about 50-50 percent separate portion here like Yin-Yang, but it’s more like Dr. Robert Bruce Banner & Hulk, or Jacob Black & the reddish-brown werewolf (Twilight saga) where the two sides of role are merged into one identity. The submissive me wants to submit, to please, to obey, to serve, while the dominant me wants to challenge, to fight, to hunt, to rule. Suppressing one of the two is not an option either, as the unfulfilled side will keep banging the door and lurking in the hallway.

I heard about Switch and wondering if I was one of them.  But finding a Switch as Trainer or Mentor was challenging at that time. Firstly, most Switches won’t be openly identifying themselves as a Switch in the BDSM community. In the world where Dom/me and sub are the official standard roles, there's no official place yet for a Switch. Secondly, most Switches were trained for one role only and they kept the other side in the dark. That made trained, skilled, experienced, willing to train/mentor Switches were as rare as blue/pink diamond.

Another challenge was, finding the right Dom. The submissive me doesn’t submit to everyone, I only drawn to alpha Dom/me who displayed strength, confidence, intelligence, dominance. Because the dominant me instinctively saw Dom/me who tried to top me as a play mate for flatworms fencing battle - which I play to win then leave. And most alpha Dom/me were interested in M/s relationship with "pure" submissive only. So statistically, my chance was quite slim.

I almost gave up when I finally met my Dom. He recognized me as a Switch and to my surprise he was open to the idea for me to embrace both of my submissive and dominant sides (yay!). Some special arrangements were made though in order to accommodate my Switch nature, such as:

• We decided to go with D/S/s – Dominant/Switch/submissive – relationship instead of M/s. This was new territory for us.My Dom was having M/s type in his last relationship.

• My Dom simplified most of the submissive rules of conduct and protocols, and finally came up with a personalized standard that work for both of us.

• The submissive training was set in slow and steady pace, which caused longer time to complete, but the extra time help us to strengthen our bond, confidence, and trust towards each other.

• My Dom later on introduced me with two other dominants as my Trainer and Mentor to help to shape up my dominant side.

At the moment I am registered as a member in a small local BDSM group where my Dom and Mentor are also having membership. Everyone knows everybody within the group, so they know I am a Switch. I get my free choice in term of which side I’d want to go with, including as a Switch, in all group activities. But when I play with my regular play partners, I let my dominant side out to play. Outside our group, I rarely identify myself as a Switch to avoid silly - unnecessary conversation with others about it.

Lately I found more and more Switches came forth in Fetlife, blogs, and other BDSM community channels to speak out concerns and thoughts about the struggle, misconception, mislabeled most Switches were gone through. I think this is an outstanding progression because I personally believe being a Switch is a wonderful thing. The ability to feel, to live, to experience both end of spectrum and still stand strong as one whole identity are not everyone's journey. It's okay for not understanding it, but let's not put a negative label just because the unknown scares us. We are all Protégé in this life after all.

xoxo - your fun lovers!

A sadist, a masochist, a dominant

I know a Sadist, I said, I have one at home.

He is an expert in inflicting pain and humiliation on OTHERS.

Playing with him means happily embracing the pains (and the great pleasures from it too) with some memorabilia as bonuses: bruises, welts, marks, cuts, or when things get wild a bit (rarely though), a short trip to ER with frowning medic(s) will freshen up your day.

He finds it arousing, fulfilling to see pain and fear in the eyes of his play partner, so as the signs of struggle and shocked.

This is why a Sadist needs a masochist, the made in heaven play partner who is thriving over the pain, fear, humiliation, degradation; someone who is wearing all the bruises, welts, marks, cuts, injury bandages with pride.

A S/m scene can consist one or more of below play(s):

1. Impact Play: whipping, flogging, spanking, caning, slapping, punching, kicking.

2. Edge Play: blood play, breath play, gun play, fire play, needle play, knife play, primal play, torture play, humiliation play, and degradation play.

These plays challenge both play partners mentally, physical, and emotional. Soooooo, before agreeing into a S/m scene, I'll remember below points by heart:

1. CONSENSUAL: the first commandment is consensual. If I am not feeling exciting, arousing about the whole pain, fear, humiliation, degradation things, all I need to do is to say my 'NO' out loud. No matter how gorgeous/famous/powerfull the potential play partner is, still 'Nah' to the 'Ah' to the 'No', 'No', 'No' (Meigan Trainor's style).

If I agree to play or give it a try, but later on I feel uncomfortable to continue the scene, I have all the rights to say 'red' or another agreed safeword immediately to end the scene.

2. Communication: I have to share with my play partner beforehand: my safeword, preferences (like & don't like, can do & big no-nos), limits (hard limit & soft limit), and existing injuries and past surgery history/serious illness if any, as SPECIFIC and DETAIL as possible. It is okay to ASK QUESTIONs to my play partner as if we are going to perform a major heart surgery as patient and the surgeon.

I can negotiate the rules throughly especially when I have a new type of play to try and/or new play partner to play with.

3.  Find the right play partner to play with: every S/m has their own expertise or preference for certain type of plays, play toys, play location, and tolerance level (light, medium, hardcore).

If I cannot take hardcore pains, I won't sign up for whipping or caning, I'll go with flogging instead. If I do not enjoy chasing down my play partner in the woods, licking-biting-nipping, fighting, I won't push myself to join Primal play.

4. An experienced Sadist - like the one I have at home - has gone through series of trainings and he practises regularly. He is also skilled in body anatomy, body languages, CPR, and first aids.

A novice Sadist (like me) normally will have a mentor present during the scene to make sure things are under control and safety rules are being adhered.

5. Duration: a S/m scene can be very short (10 minutes) or much longer. It is wise for me to choose shorter duration when playing with a novice or playing for the first time with new type of play or new play partner. After we know each other better and the trust is built, I can agree to increase the duration gradually.

6. Warm Up: the scene will start with low and slow touches, massages, strokes to let both S/m to enter deeper into the headspace, to to build connections - especially when we are new to each other, to let the body to produce enough endorphine in the preparation for more intense phase.  The intensity works up gradually from there.

7.  Safe Play Toys: each play toys is required to be sterilized, packed, and stored properly after the scene is over for reuse purposes. Soap and different chemicals are commonly used; it depends on the usage and materials of the play toys. It is okay to ask my play partner on how he/she sterilized the play toys beforehand.

Leather and other natural based play toys such as flogger, whip, rattan cane once exposed to body fluids (especially blood) cannot be sterilized fully. These toys can transmit bacteria and diseases if reuse to different play partners. It is better to use them above clothing during the scene, or I can have my own play toys for personal use. Another option is to prepare individual play toys for each play partner. Better safe than sorry.

8. Aftercare: I can have/provide aftercare from/to my play partner (S or m) after the scene is over, in order to help me or my play partner to get back to reality after high endorphine rush and intense emotional attachment during the scene.

Follow up aftercare on day 2, day 3 might be required if emotional breakdown occur after the scene. I have to inform my play partner or my trusted group/community member if I need more aftercare afterward.

There are few individuals who do not need aftercare at all. It is perfectly normal.

9. S/m relationship is not always equal to D/s relationship.

S/m can involve multiple play partners.

S/m scene can be non-sexual where there is no exchange of body fluids and no sexual penetration.

And switching role (a Sadist switches to masochist - a masochist switches to Sadist) is totally common.

10. A Sadist is not always equal to a dominant. There are Sadists who are not dominant at all.

A dominant is not always a Sadist. There are plenty of gentle, caring, loving dominants who are so not into inflicting pain and humiliation to their submissive(s).

A dominant who is also a Sadist mostly is a passionate, caring, loving play partner inside and outside the scene. He/she puts your fulfillment and personal growth into serious concerns.

Alora, I end this topic here. May my fellow Proteges find comfort and encouragement in your journey to be a master in what you love.

xoxo - your fun lovers!

a Mentor, a Dom, or a Lover?

I once told that sex is not equal to love.  The same rule apparently applies to BDSM.  Your play partner is not always your sex partner.  Your play and sex partner is not always your Lover.  Your Lover is not always your Dom.  Your Dom is not your Mentor.

Throughout my journey as a curious fun lover Protege,  I heard different definitions for Mentor, Dom, and Lover. It's a bit confusing  sometimes since everyone seemed to have their own descriptions. So I decided to find out the best fitting version. 

Here are what I found based on encounters:

A Mentor is your equal, your guide, your friend, in your journey to be the best and responsible you (Dom or sub). A Mentor is providing guidance, advice, example, support, though he/she will/can yell at you or request you (with a threat in it) to fix thing(s) you are reluctant to do when you made foolish mistake(s). A Mentor is not just a skilled, experienced, responsible role model, but also someone who is willing to invest his/her time, patience, to help you to walk through your path in confidence. 

Ideally a Mentor is mentoring the same role as he/she is.

Before a Mentor there is always a Trainer. He/she is your teacher, an authority, skilled, experienced figure who provides you with learning sessions until you are capable living your role by the standard. 

A Trainer can be your Dom or an expert. In a rare case, a sub can be the initial Trainer for a Dom to be. 

And in an exclusive D/s relationship, it is common for a Dom/Domme to insert his/her preferences or specific requirements in the respective sub training.

A Dom/Domme is a dominant who is granted by the universe and mostly by a sub to receive the respected sub freely given gifts of submission within the agreed limits. He/she is responsible for orchestrating desirable, pleasurable, intimate, intense, out of the world scene through senses and mind games with his/her play partner(s) while at the same time is expected to adhere a safe and sane play as well.  In exclusive D/s relationship a Dom/Domme role is extended to protection, provider, care giver.

Neverless, a Dom is a human being. A Dom can make mistake. A Dom can make jokes and laugh. A Dom can use safeword. A Dom can experience Dom drop and require Aftercare. BUT... an asshole dominant is just an Abuser.

A Lover is ... your Dom, or your Trainer, or your Mentor, or your play partner, or that cute /handsome ... (go figure).

So, which one is you, which one is someone you're with: a Mentor, a Dom, or a Lover? Or ALL of the above?

xoxo currious fun lovers!